A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
>From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
 
The Jamaican began screaming:
'You got dem on de wrong feet'!

Don’t quit. Resist discouragement and finish the race God has set before you.

Simply, the Truth!

God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 (NCV)

*** *** *** ***

God wants you to develop a self-discipline that pushes you to do things, even as others are giving up.

Over the years, I’ve observed six key expressions of self-discipline:

People with self-discipline master their moods. They live by their commitments, not their emotions. People who do the right thing even when they don’t feel like it accomplish most of what gets done in the world! “A man without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls” (Proverbs 25:28 LB).

People with self-discipline watch their words. They put their minds in gear before opening their mouths. “He who guards his lips guards his life” (Proverbs 13:3 NIV).

People with self-discipline restrain their reactions. How much can you take before you lose your cool? “If you are sensible, you will control your temper. When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it” (Proverbs 19:11 GNT).

People with self-discipline stick to their schedule. If you don’t determine how you will spend your time you can be sure that others will decide for you! “Live life, then, with a due sense of responsibility … Make the best use of your time” (Ephesians 5:15–16 PH).

People with self-discipline manage their money. They learn to live on less than what they make and they invest the difference. The value of a budget is that it tells your money where you want it to go rather than wondering where it went! “The wise man saves for the future, but the foolish man spends whatever he gets” (Proverbs 21:20 LB).

People with self-discipline maintain their health. That way they can accomplish more and enjoy their achievements. “Every one of you should learn to control his body, keeping it pure and treating it with respect” (1 Thessalonians 4:4 PH).

The disciplines you establish today will determine your success tomorrow. But it takes more than just willpower for lasting self-discipline. It takes a power greater than yourself: “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT/NCV).

The more I accept God’s control over my life, the more self-control he gives me!

An Irishman's Philosophy - True or not?

We take every thought captive. In this battle for thoughts, we have four weapons: humility, faith, truth, and praise.

Fook dat?

Two irish men walk into a shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy
Dats dem
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass..
At the  Connor   Pass  , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

News in brief

The Irish Stammerers' Association will hold a seminar will hold a seminar entitled 'Aids for Stammerers' tonight. (The Irish Press)

People in Preston ward are invited to a meeting at 7.15pm tonight in St Mary's Church Hall, Brighton, to meet councillors and beat police officers. (Evening Argus)

The skeleton was believed to be that of a Saxon worrier. (Express and Echo)

Chance to win

Concert promoters MCP have donated three pairs of tickets for the Princes Hall show. All you have to do is answer the following question: With which band did Midge (Ure) have his first number one hit in 1976? Answers to: Ultravox Competition, The News, 4, High Street, Camberley, Surrey.

The strike leaders had called a meeting that was to have been held in a bra near the factory, but it was too small to hold them all. (South London Press)

One man was admitted to hospital suffering from buns. (Bristol Gazette)

Douglas Bader pub

A new public house at Martlesham, near Ipswich, has been named after Sir Douglas Bader, the RAF's legless wartime hero. (Daily Telegraph)

Londonderry Development Commission plans to spend about £24,000 on improving the standard of street fighting in the city centre and a number of housing estates. (Belfast Telegraph)

Cash plea to aid dyslexic cildren. (South Wales Evening Post)

Police in Hawick yesterday called off a search for a 20-year-old man who is believed to have frowned after falling into the swollen River Teviot. (The Scotsman)

Winners in the homemade claret section were Mrs Davis (fruity, well-rounded), Mrs Rayner (fine colour and full-bodied), and Miss Ogle-Smith (slightly acid, but should improve if laid down). (Leicestershire parish magazine)

Arthur Kitchener was seriously burned Saturday afternoon when he came in contact with a high-voltage wife. (Surrey Advertiser)

In our report of the Welsh National Opera's Cavalleria Rusticana and Pagliacci, the computer spellchecker did not recognise the term WNO (Welsh National Opera). A slip of the finger caused it to be replaced with the word 'winos'. (The Guardian)

An item which was deservedly appreciated and encored was Chopin's Pollonaise 'Sea Minor'. (Wexford Free Press)

Life and death

The first aid treatment for a broken rib is to apply a tight bandage after you have made your patient expire. (Manchester Evening News)

Hooper  -  Wilfred Harry. Loving memories of my dearest husband who passed away 15 June. It's a lovely life without you, and sad has been each day. (Northants Evening Telegraph)

Mr S. Butters for reasons of ill-health, is permanently discontinuing widow-cleaning. (Cambridgeshire Times)

Corrections

Due to an error in transmission we stated in an inquest report on Saturday that Mrs Susannah Vincent, of Porth, was found dead with a bottle in her left hand and a plastic bag over her head. This should have read 'a Bible in her left hand'. We apologise for any distress caused to the family. (Swindon Evening Advertiser)

Error: The Observer wishes to apologise for a typesetting error in our Tots and Toddlers advertising feature last week which led to Binswood Nursery School being described as serving 'children casserole' instead of chicken casserole. (Leamington Spa Observer)

Due to a printing error, a story in last week's Gazette referred to athletics coach Billy Hodgins as an 'old waster'. This should, of course, have read 'old master'. We apologise to Mr Hodgins for any embarrassment caused.

The authorities at Ongar library have received a number of complaints about a card in the index file which read: SEX: SEE LIBRARIAN. This has been changed. The new entry reads: SEX: FOR SEX, ASK AT THE DESK. (Eastern Gazette)

In a recent report of a competition held at one of Pontin's holiday camps it was inadvertently stated that it was for 'elephant' grandmothers instead of elegant grandmothers. We apologise to Mrs Helen P-, who gained third place, for any embarrassment this may have caused. (Stockport Advertiser)

'The name of this column is still Corrections and Clarifications*, although it is not immune from error as the printed title in yesterday's paper demonstrated.' *The column appeared as Corrections and Clairifications. (The Guardian)

Children shot for Christmas in the home  -  Regent Photographic Studios. (Morecambe Visitor)

Lesbian, 35, non-smoker, loves horses seeks same for friendship. (Spare Rib)

Dog Kennel, suit medium-sized dog. Good condition. Very turdy. Buyer collects. £9.99. (Wisbech Standard)

For sale: 83 Ford Grandad. (Express and Star, Wolverhampton)

Lady, 65, reasonable looks, medium build, 65, likes short walks, outings, the occasional drunk. (Westmorland Gazette)

Airedales  -  house-trained, safe with children, best protection against burglars or ladies living alone. (Dog World)

Male (24) seeks doom in central flat. Please phone 0141 xxxxx. (Edinburgh Evening News)

Rotherham Metropolitan Borough Council: Crematorium assistant required. The Council operates a no-smoking policy. (Sheffield Star)

Weddings

The bride was very upset when one of her little attendants accidentally stepped on her brain and tore it. (Kent Messenger)

On Monday, Councillor Thompson's son will be married to the eldest daughter of Councillor James. The members of the Corporation are invited to the suspicious event. (Suffolk newspaper)

Sports

Perhaps 24 hours of speculation about Johann Cruyff's future affected the great man. Most of his dazzling runs ended with well-timed tickles. (Scottish Daily Record)

The mystery fan behind the takeover bid for Port Vale today said he will pull out of the deal if his identity is revealed. It is understood Stone-based businessman Peter Jackson wants to remain anonymous until the contract is signed and sealed. (Staffordshire Sentinel)

Headlines

Chip shop owner battered man. (Gateshead Post)

Schizophrenic killed herself with two plastic bags. (Milton Keynes Gazette)

Numbers

Chocolate potato cake: 6oz margarine, 1oz cocoa, 4oz mashed potato, 5oz self-raising flour, 433 eggs size 3. (Woman's Weekly)

Heather Mills's charitable donations, recorded in the part of the divorce case judgment released to the public, £627,000 and not £627. (The Guardian)

In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

Names

Letchworth Spiritualist Church. An evening of Clairvoyance with Mr Deadman Saturday, July 27, at 7pm. (Stevenage Express)

With the Chief Constable will be Chief Superintendent Peter Skinner, and Chief Inspector G. Bollard of the traffic division. (Buckingham Advertiser)